It wasn’t supposed to feel like this. I was supposed to feel more assured of myself. I was supposed to feel more capable, more financially stable. I was supposed to feel like my network job was around the corner at this point in my reporting career. But right now, I feel totally inadequate. I feel like I’m not particularly good at anything. I almost feel lost. And though I know her feedback is meant to help me grow and get me to where I want to be, it’s making me question myself more than ever.
She—my on-air coach—says my reporting delivery is still stiff. Insecure. Monotone. Oddly, when I watch my reel back now, I don’t particularly feel that way. I see how I’m still a little stiff in some parts. But other parts seem more authentic to me. I don’t know how to please these people. It’s not that I thought I would love being in TV news. I just didn’t think I would dislike it this much. I thought all the hard work I put in would amount to more than this. I thought all the hard work I put in would count for more than this.
I do sense why I’m still coming off as stiff on air, though. I feel like my contempt for this industry that I’ve been harboring this whole time is casting a shadow over me. I sound subdued because I’ve had to repress so much of what I think and feel to get by.
Fighting to get my foot through the door and keeping up with the demands of this industry has distanced me from so many of the things that make me who I am. It’s kept me from the people I love and the people who love me. I gave up writing for this. I struggle to feel like myself because I don’t know what feeling like myself actually feels like at this point in my life and career. I resent that I’ve had to sacrifice so much to get here, only to still be told I’m not good enough (yet). I resent that I’ve had to put so much of what I want and need on the back burner to sustain a work life that’s unsustainable.
Part of me feels ashamed for complaining. Why should I get to be a successful TV reporter when I don’t even like being a TV reporter? Why should I get the job offers, the accolades, the attention, the validation? Why should I be embraced when I’m not even sure I belong here?
Mary Jane Could Never 