Mary Jane Could Never

Last time on Mary Jane Could Never: Things get awkward between David and I at the bar when we discover that he wants children while I don’t. Despite this, the night ends with us giving into our base instinct. I thought that would be the last time I would ever hear from David, but fate had other plans.

I hardly slept after I hung up. Instead, I drifted off to sleep for about two hours and then I woke up again with the lamp still on, as well as my makeup. It was 4 AM. I kept trying to fall back asleep but I couldn’t. I couldn’t shake the feeling that was haunting me while I was in bed with David. There was something about all of this that felt fateful, destined. It felt like something really important was about to happen. 

Then, I kept thinking about the little things David said that hinted at how lonely and miserable he was. He didn’t have anyone, and he didn’t have many friends. Work had consumed most of his adult life, and now it was fueling his longing to have his own family. David was charming, but it seemed like he lived on an island—an island similar to mine. 

This man and I looked nothing like one another. In fact, we looked like polar opposites. However, sitting across the table from him, I sometimes felt like I was talking to a reflection of myself. More specifically, I felt like I was talking to a future version of myself. 

This is who I’d be five years in the future if I kept living like I was at that moment. If I continued to put my reporting career ahead of everything, including myself, and never pursued the litany of other passions and interests I have outside of TV news. This is who I’d be if I never consistently prioritized friendships and lived a solitary existence. This is who I’d be if I never seriously pursued love. This is who I’d be with no community, no meaningful, longstanding relationships with people. This is who I’d be if I stayed single with hardly any friends or family to take care of after my parents are gone. 

I like being single. Really, I do. I like not having to answer to anyone. I like being able to come and go as I please. I like decorating my home in the way I want, wearing what I want, lusting after whoever I want. But I still wanted a man in my life. And years in the future, I didn’t want to be celebrating my 38th birthday eating alone in a restaurant and making love to a stranger after midnight. I wanted to be surrounded by my family–family of my own blood and bone. And I wanted to be sitting next to the man who helped me create it. 

David and I texted in the morning as the presentation was getting started.

DAVID

We will connect again. I travel often, even if it requires a special trip. I’d really like to see you again. 

DAVID

…Are you around today? I’m out of this around 12 and have a few hours before I head out.

We met up at midday once he was finished. While he was in his meeting, I spent the morning enjoying my birthday as planned, driving through the mountains and enjoying the views. He pushed back his flight so he could spend more time with me, and I let him come to my hotel so he could leave his bags in my room. 

David took me to lunch at the bistro next to my hotel. The restaurant was located on the corner of a busy intersection. I changed into a strapless, piercing cobalt blue mini dress. David wore a black T-shirt and pants. We sat in the outdoor dining area overlooking the intersection. It was startling how beautiful it was outside. The sky was almost as blue as my dress, and the sun glistened our skin, drawing people out into the streets. A group of street performers was playing live jazz somewhere in the distance. 

“Do you want a taste?” David asked, handing me his Bloody Mary. I hate Bloody Marys, but I took a sip anyway. I asked how his meeting went; it went off without a hitch, so he was more relaxed than he had been the night before. I showed him pictures from my morning in the mountains. Through giggles, I told him how I had spent hours driving to the top of the tallest mountain in the region, only to find that the clouds I and the other tourists were standing in obstructed the view. 

“Lucky guy!” I heard someone exclaim behind me. I turned and saw an older man looking at me as he walked into the dining area with a small gaggle of people around him. David appeared to recognize the man. He lingered at our table for a moment, glancing at David, then back at me, before walking to his table. I knew I was supposed to receive this as a compliment, but I didn’t say anything out of fear of seeming presumptuous. 

“He’s one of my colleagues,” David said after quickly nodding at the man, looking sheepish again. 

I asked David to tell me about his past relationships. He stiffened a bit when I asked him this and paused slightly before answering. He said hadn’t been with anyone for a while, and admitted to being somewhat of a fuckboy in his youth. He said he started growing out of that phase in his late twenties, but it didn’t seem like he had any serious relationships to show for it since.

“The last woman I was with, I dated for a few months. It turned out she was married. I didn’t know,” David said. He wasn’t looking at me when he said this.

“I met her at the gym. Eventually, the husband and I found out about one another and I ended things. That was about a year ago.”

I wasn’t phased by this; having a run-in with a married person (whether knowingly or not) is almost an inevitability for single people in their thirties. But I sensed it still weighed on him. He kept looking down at his food as he talked.

“Five years is a long time.”

“Five years is a long time,” I said. “But I’ve been keeping busy, doing the work,” I said, drawing air quotes with my hands.

“What prompted that, though?” David was still fiddling with his food.

“I just…” I started, choosing my words slowly. He didn’t need to know everything, I thought. “I just wanted more. I didn’t like what I was attracting, so I took a step back and decided to change. I wanted to become more like the partner I wanted for myself. And I did.”

*         *        *

Upstairs in my hotel room, I hurriedly slid out of my heels as David took off his watch and turned out the lights. We got on the bed promptly, like a choreographed dance we’d done hundreds of times before. When we were done, I savored the weight of his body on mine, the heat of his body on mine. I would have given anything to push back his flight again another day.

“Oh God! Your flight leaves in 90 minutes!” I had propped myself up to look at the clock, but David didn’t budge. His body was still wrapped around mine, his face still planted in my neck. Another moment passed, and he groaned before easing himself off of me and away from the bed. He dragged his feet to the bathroom. 

I kept getting anxious that he would miss his flight. It was Thursday, and he had to keep working the next day. But David was unbothered. He started telling me stories of his days as a glass blower before making it big in oil as he was preparing to leave. I enjoyed watching him walk around naked and seeing this giddy, gregarious side of him. He looked comfortable in his body. He looked like a young king. 

“You know, I’d really like to see you again.”

This snapped me out of the warm fog I had been sitting in at the foot of the bed. I, too, was naked when he said this. I wasn’t thinking about the future. I was too content from the sex we’d just had, too busy watching him walk around naked around my hotel room. It was only 2:30 in the afternoon. I had more plans in store for the rest of my birthday that I was looking forward to and preoccupied with. It didn’t occur to me to seriously think about seeing this man again. He lived hours away in another part of the country. It didn’t seem like a reasonable thing to wish for.

But then again, why wouldn’t I see this man again? I traveled regularly to see my family, who also lived hours away. David and I were of means; it would be practically nothing for either of us to get on a flight if we wanted to see each other. I had no romantic prospects holding me back in the dreary news market I was working in at the time; I wasn’t above traveling for love. In fact, it felt like I needed to travel for love. If I were to travel out of state to see a man, it would be for a man like David. 

“I’d like to see you, too,” I said, the realization slowly dawning on me.

“You could come to my home, we could spend time together, I could show you around…”

“I’d be open to that,” I said. “I’ve been wanting to come to your area since I should be coming to the Big City to see my family near there in the upcoming months, anyway.

He looked encouraged, nodding and making plans out loud as he continued to dress and pack his things. I shrugged at this, flattered at the idea. 

“If a man wants to, he will,” I said nonchalantly.

He finished dressing and pulled me into his arms from the bed to kiss me goodbye. I was still naked. I kissed and kissed and kissed him some more while I still had him in my grasp. My hands were planted in his chest as he wrapped his arms around my waist. The more I kissed him, the more I realized it could be several months before I saw him again. I kept trying to savor him as much as I could.

I wished David a safe flight and plopped back onto the bed once the door closed behind him. I felt buoyant, chipper. I’d completely forgotten that once my vacation was over, my dreary life at Station XX was waiting for me.