Mary Jane Could Never

I was still conflicted when I got this new job. 

My enthusiasm was muted. I have to be grateful, I told myself. My job search only lasted six weeks after I left XXTV. It’s a blessing my search was so short, even though the job isn’t exactly what I wanted. 

But it’s yet another lucrative on-air gig–this time in Wakanda, one of the most competitive news markets in the country. And I landed it with relatively little effort. The years of working on my craft and months of networking have clearly paid off. Now I just have to show up and show out. 

I really wanted to go home to Emerald City. That was the plan. And Lord knows I tried. But I was punching above my weight, and I knew Emerald City would have demanded more years of experience, established sources, and more confidence on-camera. Nothing was manifesting there for me. Who knows how long I would have been sitting around, hoping for someone to give me a job?

Wakanda, my new home, welcomed me with open arms. The interviews came promptly, and felt more like casual conversations rather than intense interrogations. Sure, I still wish I were making more money in this chapter of my career. 

But. 

I negotiated well, and got an offer that impressed even my lawyer. I’ll still be among some of the most highly-paid journalists in the market, and there’s a lot of good I could do with the money I’ll be bringing in. I can fund new dreams with this money. I can push my life forward with this money. 

I used to be so stubborn about not wanting to settle down here. I was afraid that I would be betraying myself. I felt a little ashamed about caving in. I was afraid that I would be betraying my vision for creating a new life for myself in the Emerald. I was afraid that I would be settling, that I would be wasting time–and wasting some of the most important, consequential years of my life as a woman if I took a job here. There were things that I promised myself I was going to do in the Emerald. 

Wakanda is great, I kept thinking, but it’s not the Emerald. It’s not where my heart is. My heart is at home.

But then I got the offer, and I let a few days go by. I accepted that–for now–reporting in Wakanda is the future that is being presented to me. I had to take on a whole new attitude: I would make good on those Emerald City promises I made to myself in Wakanda instead. I told myself I wanted to find love in the Emerald, make new friends, socialize more, create more, explore a second career for myself. I will just start doing all of those things in Wakanda. After all, this is where the opportunity is. This is where the money is. 

If I didn’t need the money, I would have moved to the Emerald on my own. I would have left all this TV shit behind. I would have chosen a job that’s easier on my hairline. Easier on my stomach. But there will be a day when I will have so much money and security that I can live wherever I want. I won’t have to rely on an employer for my livelihood. My employer won’t play such a big role in impacting my life decisions. That day hasn’t come yet. But it will come. 

In the meantime, I will work where I can, and I will save. I will invest. I will build. I will fund my dreams until they become tangible things other people can see. I will move my life forward. And a life in Wakanda isn’t going to rule out a life back home in the Emerald. I will have a foothold in both cities. I will have my cake and eat it, too. 

I’m not going to rely on TV news to engineer the changes I want for my life. In fact, I may be ready to leave TV news for good once this contract with WKDA is over. And if this is my last contract in TV news, then I’m going to go out with a bang. I’m going to come out of this experience the creative rockstar I was always meant to be.